Sway
by Sariyuki
Summary: Shounen-ai. 58. To the heart & mind ignorance is kind as there's no comfort in the truth.


**Title**: Sway  
**Author**: Sariyuki  
**Date**: 17/26 June 2004  
**Disclaimer**: Gensomaden Saiyuki/Saiyuki RELOAD belongs to the wonderful Minekura Kazuya-sama whom I worship on daily basis.  
  
= = = =  
  
His body was alight with passion as a pair of lustful hands roamed his whole body, his whole being. His lips were assaulted by sweet sensation that set his heart to race. Faster, higher. Hakkai gasped when his lower lip was bitten playfully, he opened his eyes.  
  
He looked up to a pair crimson orbs, staring straight at him, teasing him slightly, alight and passionate. He smiled at them and they softened into a more subtle kind of passion. Hakkai felt a pang of guilt scratching the deep of his heart. There were questions flashing in those eyes, questions which he had yet the answers of.  
  
"Gojyo..."  
  
His call was answered by another soaring kiss, urgent and needy. Hakkai closed his eyes, all effort to assemble any thoughts dispersed into void. He barely felt his hair was grabbed roughly as he was clawing Gojyo's shirt for support. Their bodies didn't seem to want to part as they moved in one entity, in rhythm, matching the beating of their hearts.  
  
No, shouted a small part of his conscious mind. This shouldn't happen.  
  
But it did happen and he wasn't doing anything to stop it. A new realisation stung his heart as he found out the truth. He didn't want to stop it anymore.  
  
He was pushed down onto the bed, Gojyo's bed, their lips still locked in each other. He felt Gojyo's weight upon him and it felt strangely right. He couldn't begin to describe the feeling, the intoxication and the sensuality of it all. He couldn't think anymore.  
  
It was getting hard to breath.  
  
He pushed the body away as he was gasping for air.  
  
A pair of concerned eyes looked down on him. They were breathtakingly beautiful, full of uncovered emotions, full of - something that he could never give back. He looked away from those eyes. They're too much. The emotion was too much for him. A thousand knives jabbed his heart. This isn't right, his mind told him. This isn't right at all.  
  
His shirt was yanked in a couple of swift motions before he realised what was happening. Cool night breeze brushed his now topless body and he shuddered. Gojyo was straddling him, devouring him with his eyes. Gojyo's hands were everywhere all at once, warm, so full of life and passion. He knew his body craved for them. He knew he wanted them on him.  
  
"No," he managed to say it at last. "Stop it, Gojyo."  
  
What he said and what he wanted were different and it showed. The man on top of him smiled a little before leaning closer and gave him a light kiss on his lips. "Why?" he asked.  
  
"I...," Hakkai began and faltered.  
  
"Don't you love me?"  
  
His heart broke at the question. He gazed at the questioning eyes and tried hard not to falter, tried hard not to bleed inside. He tugged at Gojyo's shirt and gave it a pull. The body fell onto him once more. Hakkai put his arms around it and squeezed as hard as he dared.  
  
"Just stop it, Gojyo," he whispered. He felt like choking at his own words.  
  
Gojyo's hair fell on his cheek. It felt as smooth as silk on his face, red silk. Beautiful. Crimson.  
  
"I love you."  
  
It was barely a whisper. It was barely audible.  
  
If only Hakkai could cry he would.  
  
If only he could say that it was a lie then it wouldn't hurt half as much. If only the man in his arms said the words out loud then he could just say to his face it wasn't true, that it was just an illusion on his part, that it was just a passing moment that meant nothing, that should only be nothing at all.  
  
He held the body tightly as if he was scared of losing it. His embrace was returned. He closed his eyes. If only this was a dream. What was he doing, holding the man he called his good friend?  
  
"I asked but you didn't answer," a muffled voice startled him from his reverie. "Don't you love me?"  
  
He didn't want to answer that. He couldn't. He didn't want to.  
  
"Or maybe I shouldn't ask that and just be content with what I've got?"  
  
He knew, thought Hakkai. Which he was feeling, guilt or relief, he didn't know. He let loose the lock of his embrace. After a few moments, Gojyo rolled off him and settled on his right side, eyes still intent on him.  
  
"I'm so-," Hakkai began.  
  
"Don't."  
  
He was pulled once again to the warmth that was his good friend. His lips were once again claimed by the passion that he should have never tasted in the first place. Just once, he promised himself. Just this time. He returned the kiss, as hungrily as the giver.  
  
It was just a lie, wasn't it? He knew one time was one too many. It always was.  
  
He broke the kiss abruptly, guiltily.  
  
"No, Gojyo," he gasped. "I can't."  
  
Gojyo pulled away, his eyes held a lot of questions. He threw his body on the side of Hakkai's body. Eyes still intent on the object of his desire. Uncomfortable silence followed his gaze.  
  
"You always let me kiss you," he said at last. "Every time. You let me."  
  
"Why?" he asked.  
  
Hakkai avoided the penetrating gaze and hated himself for it. Still he had no answer for that.  
  
A lonely sigh followed his silence. "I'll not force you, Hakkai, you know I don't take a person who's not willing."  
  
"But with you," Gojyo shook his head. "With you, I don't know how long I can hold back."  
  
He pulled the body closer to him, to feel its warm and solid presence, and placed his arm around it. "With you I don't even know if I want to hold back."  
  
Hakkai placed his hand on top of the hand that was holding him. In his heart he knew that something was bleeding. In his mind the same question ran over and over again. How long he could hold back. For now they were good friends, locked in the warmth of lovers' embrace.  
  
How long would this dance around the truth last?  
  
For now he was hanging desperately onto a swaying relationship that he feebly called friendship. And he did not know how long.  
  
= = = = 


End file.
